her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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