theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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