Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
