I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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