My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
