i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize