I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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