I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
