There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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