i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
