my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
