she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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