I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
