just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
