4 words: hood of his car
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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