she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
