What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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