I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
