How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
