We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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