Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Randomize