areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
