my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
