I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
