K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
