So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
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