Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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