I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
