Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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