my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
