Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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