so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
