i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
