Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize