im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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