I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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