and you said cock pushups were impossible
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
