I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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