I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
