i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
