i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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