Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
