I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
