yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
