sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
