My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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