I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
