for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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