I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
