We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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