good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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