i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
