i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
