Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
