I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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