The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
