Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
