Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
