I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
