but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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