u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
false alarm. still invincible.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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