I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
