Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She needs sedatives and a leash
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize