I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
