i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
