My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
