I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my sisters under your porch take her home
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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