she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
