I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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