If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
